This is bacon-mac and cheese pie. Here’s the recipe for when you’re done drooling.
Oh my goodness.
Sea-salt Ice Cream
2 cups milk
1/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup. heavy whipping cream
Sea salt to taste
1. Separate the eggs into two good sized bowls.
2. Beat the egg whites until stiff.
3. Mix the egg yolks and sugar until thick.
4. Slowly bring milk to boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally.
5. Pour hot milk into yolk/sugar mixture and mix well.
6. Pour milk/yolk/sugar mixture back into pot and heat on medium until thicker to make a custard (DO NOT BOIL)
7. Pour custard in with beaten egg whites and mix well.
8. Add sea salt (keep adding salt until it tastes salty sweet)
9. Allow mixture to cool.
10. Once cool, add cream and vanilla to mixture.
-Add blue dye for authenticity-
YOU CLASSY-ASS DRAGON SLAYING MOTHERFUCKERS WANT A REAL TREAT? THEN SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE AMBROSIA OF THE GODS CALLED MOTHERFUCKING BRAIDED SPAGHETTI BREAD. CONQUER YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE AND GRAB YOURSELF:
- A 1-POUND LOAF OF BREAD DOUGH. FRENCH BREAD IS THE CLASSIEST WAY TO BE
- ABOUT 6 OZ OF COOKED SPAGHETTI OR HOWEVER THE FUCK MUCH YOUR FINE ASS WANTS TO MAKE
- A JAR OF THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE OF YOUR CHOICE
- A BRICK OF SOME OF THAT MOZZARELLA CHEESE SHIT
- BUTTER MELTED IN THE FIRES OF MORDOR
- PARMESAN, ITALIAN SEASONING, AND WHATEVER ELSE YOUR BADASS SELF WANTS
- SOME ITALIAN SAUSAGE OR OTHER DELICIOUS MEAT OF YOUR CHOOSING, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A METAL BADASS
FIRST, GRAB YOURSELF A ROLL OF THAT PARCHMENT PAPER SHIT AND RIP OFF A PIECE ABOUT THE SIZE OF A COOKIE SHEET. TAKE THAT SWEET-ASS LUMP OF BREAD DOUGH AND BEAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER INTO SUBMISSION UNTIL IT TURNS ITSELF INTO A 12X16-INCH RECTANGLE. YOU CLASSY BITCHES DON’T HAVE TO BE EXACT BUT GET CLOSE ENOUGH. COVER WITH PLASTIC AND LET THAT FUCKER REST FOR 10 OR 15 MINUTES.
WHILE YOUR BUSY SITTING AROUND ON YOUR ASS THINKING ABOUT ALL THE DEMONS YOU COULD BE SLAYING, GRAB YOURSELF A POT OF WATER AND BOIL THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FIRES OF HELL. COOK YOUR DAMN SPAGHETTI. I SUGGEST MAKING MORE THAN ENOUGH BECAUSE, FUCK, WHO DOESN’T LOVE TASTY-ASS LEFTOVERS?
ONCE YOUR SPAGHETTI HAS BEEN BOILED TO DEATH BY SCALDING WATER, DRAIN IT AND MIX IT UP WITH SOME OF THAT SWEET BLOOD OF TOMATOES SPAGHETTI SAUCE.
COAT THOSE NOODLY MOTHERFUCKERS WITH THE SEASONED BLOOD OF THEIR ENEMIES. THEN, TAKE THOSE HARDCORE SPAGHETTI AND THROW THOSE FUCKERS DOWN IN A 4-INCH STRIP DOWN THE CENTER OF YOUR SWEET-ASS PULVERIZED BREAD DOUGH.
GET THE REST OF THOSE LIQUEFIED TOMATOES AND POUR ON HOWEVER MUCH YOUR CLASSY-ASS DESIRES. LASTLY, TOP OFF THAT MOTHERFUCKING PILE OF SAUCY GLORY WITH PLENTY OF GRATED OR CUBED MOZZARELLA CHEESE.
DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING PREFERENCE, YOU CAN COOK UP SOME OF THAT SWEET-ASS ITALIAN SAUSAGE OR OTHER MEAT AND STIR THAT IN WITH YOUR SPAGHETTI AND TOMATO BLOOD SAUCE. THAT’S METAL AS FUCK.
HERE COMES THE TRICKY PART SO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION YOU SASSY MOTHERFUCKERS. LET’S BRAID THIS SHIT UP.
PULL OUT YOUR DEMON KILLING KNIFE AND WIELD THAT FUCKER BRAVELY. STAB CUTS INTO YOUR SUBMISSIVE BREAD DOUGH EVERY 1 ½ INCHES ON THE LONG SIDES OF THE DOUGH. PLUNGE YOUR KNIFE IN ABOUT ½ INCH FROM THAT DELICIOUS-ASS FILLING AND CUT ALL THE WAY TO THE OUTER EDGE OF THE DOUGH, LIKE YOUR DISEMBOWELING A FUCKING HELL HOUND OR SOME SHIT.
SINCE YOU CLASSY-ASS BITCHES MAY NEED A REFERENCE, HERE’S A MOTHERFUCKING PHOTO OF THIS PROCESS I FOUND ON GOOGLE:
SHEATHE YOUR KNIFE BACK IN YOUR THIGH STRAP OR WHEREVER YOU KEEP THAT SHIT. START BRAIDING THE BREAD LIKE YOU WOULD BRAID YOUR CHEST HAIR IF YOU HAD ANY. FOLD THE TOP AND BOTTOM STRIPS IN TOWARDS THE FILLING AND THEN BRAID THOSE OTHER FUCKERS, LEFT OVER RIGHT AND THEN RIGHT OVER LEFT. FINISH THAT SHIT OFF BY PULLING THE LAST STRIP OVER AND TUCKING IT UNDER THE BREAD.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST BRAIDED SOME MOTHERFUCKING BREAD. PUT THAT SHIT ON A RESUME.
BEING CAREFUL NOT TO DROP THAT GLORIOUS LOG OF SPAGHETTI BREAD DELICIOUSNESS, TRANSFER YOUR DAMN PARCHMENT PAPER ONTO A BAKING SHEET. PULL OUT THAT BUTTER YOU MELTED IN THE FIRES OF MORDOR AND GET A BRUSH AND BRUSH THAT BUTTER ONTO THE BRAIDS LIKE YOU’RE MOTHERFUCKING PICASSO. LASTLY, PULL OUT YOUR PARMESAN CHEESE, ITALIAN SEASONING, AND WHATEVER OTHER GLORIOUS SHIT YOU WANT TO PUT ON THERE AND SPRINKLE IT LIKE HOLY WATER ON A DEMON.
THROW THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN AT 350 DEGREES AND BUSY YOURSELF SLAYING DRAGONS FOR 30-35 MINUTES, OR UNTIL IT STARTS TURNING THE GOLDEN-BROWN OF PERFECTION.
PULL THAT SHIT OUT, LET IT SIT FOR A COUPLE MINUTES, AND THEN WHIP OUT YOUR KNIFE AGAIN AND SLICE THAT TASTY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.
IF YOU’RE METAL JUST SHOVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING IN YOUR MOUTH BUT OTHERWISE IT CAN PROVIDE SUSTENANCE FOR 3 OR 4 NORMAL CLASSY BITCHES.
AND THAT’S IT. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE DELICIOUS PERFECTION THAT IS MOTHERFUCKING BRAIDED SPAGHETTI BREAD.
Makes about a quart
8 ounces good-quality semi-sweet chocolate, chopped
3 1/2 cups half and half
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon cornstarch
2 ounces cream cheese, softened (about 1/4 cup)
1/4 cup sugar
Set up an ice bath in a large bowl.
In a small bowl, mix 2 tablespoons of the half and half with the cornstarch.
In a large saucepan, combine the remaining half and half with the sugar. Bring the milk mixture to a boil and cook over moderate heat until the sugar dissolves, about 4 minutes. Off the heat, gradually whisk in the cornstarch mixture. Return to a boil and cook over moderately high heat until the mixture is slightly thickened, about 1 minute.
Pour just enough of the hot milk over the chopped chocolate and and cream cheese to cover it. Stir until chocolate is melted and the mixture is thick and silky. Add the salt. Gradually add the remaining hot milk mixture.
Set the bowl in the ice water bath and let stand, stirring occasionally, until cooled off, about 20 minutes.
Pour ice cream base into an ice cream maker and freeze according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Freeze an additional two hours (or more) in an airtight container. Will keep for about a week if sealed properly.
Make Your Own Alkaline Vitamin Water
Find yourself needing a vitamin boost?
Click here, for complete recipe and directions of my five signature colour-free, sugar-free and bpa plastic free alkaline vitamin waters or get inspired to make your own combinations.
- Recovery - This vitamin water is ideal for recovery post-workout or after a large bout of physical activity. Blackberries and Cherries aid in replenishing oxygen in the blood while pomegranate and glutamine help to restore and repair muscle tissue damage
- C*Power - This vitamin water gives you a boost of anti-viral and anti-inflammatory vitamin C. With natural citrus fruits and camu camu powder, c*power is ideal for boosting your immunity after an illness or just keeping your body empowered. This is an excellent combination for weight loss
- Stressless - This is my favourite combination, the blend of watermelon and rosemary is divine. This vitamin water is ideal for helping you balance stress on a mental and physiological level. With the addition of B vitamins, hydrating watermelon and calming rosemary this combination is best used during times of stress or intensity
- Digest It - Excellent for aiding in digestion and stimulating the colon and digestive tract. With the combination of pineapple’s digestive enzymes, soothing, cooling mint and warming ginger, stimulating lemongrass, immunizing lychee and probiotics this water will aid in internal balance
- Detox - Purify your blood and body with this awesome vitamin water! Detox is ideal for the morning after a night out or when you are cleansing. Created with hydrating coconut water, and fresh cucumber, nutrient rich coconut meat, detoxifying milk thistle and anti-oxidant loaded raspberries and blueberries, this combination will cleanse your body from the inside out
I wanna bake something heart shaped
Holy shit I don’t want to make them into woopie pies i just want the recipe for the delicious, soft looking cookies o:
Deep-Dish Chocolate Chip Cookie for One
Ingredients (1 serving):
- 1 Tbsp unsalted butter, at room temperature
- 1/2 Tbsp unrefined granulated sugar, such as evaporated cane juice
- 1/2 Tbsp packed light brown sugar
- 1 Tbsp beaten egg, preferably organic (cover & chill remaining beaten egg for tomorrow’s cookie cup… you will be making another one!)
- tiny splash pure vanilla extract
- 2 1/2 Tbsp whole wheat pastry flour (can substitute with 3:1 of cake flour and all purpose flour)
- 1/8 tsp baking soda
- tiny pinch salt
- heaping 1 Tbsp grain-sweetened chocolate chips, such as Sunspire
In a small ramekin or microwavable cup, combine softened butter and both sugars; stir well with a spoon. Stir in beaten egg and vanilla extract. Stir in flour, baking soda, and salt just until combined. Stir in chocolate chips.
Microwave on high for 35-40 seconds. Let cookie rest at room temperature for about 10 seconds before devouring.
253.2 calories, 13.8 grams fat, 8.4 grams saturated fat, 2.9 grams fiber, 17.5 grams sugars, 2.4 grams protein